i fell asleep at around 5AM, i think. from 1AM i was just poring over my old LJ posts as well as back-posts of my LJ friends. i was surprised to find out that a couple of friends soldiered on with their journals, like miabacs and chachic. others, like chinchiminee and ginon, still dropped by albeit infrequently. most, however, fell by the wayside like me.

reading your entries was surreal; felt like i was in the twilight zone! i was suddenly reminded of that world--that virtual environment of shared consciousness where we were all privy to one another's most private of thoughts. we not only shared our experiences but also offered support through comments posted while the rest of the world lay asleep. now i feel so bad that we no longer have that strong a connection.

i blame facebook and twitter. it's made us lazy: we now resort to incoherent parcels of thought rather than on fully developed ideas. true that they didn't ask us to abandon our journals. but i guess because they afforded a more fast-food means of expression, our inner voices were satiated. as a result, we are content with digesting grand ideas into a single breath.

what i did before finally sleeping was to leave a comment in each of my friends' last journal entry to appeal to all of you: LET'S ALL RESUME WRITING. i wanted to incite a revolution! and no, it doesn't have to be on LJ; it can be on blogspot or even as notes in facebook! basta write, write, write rather than just exhale a remark.

and when you do, be sure to tell me.

Uh, okay. Nakita ko to while digging through the archives ng YM kanina.

I found it interesting and a bit timely, well for personal reasons. Basta, mga March 2009 to eh, tapos yung friend ko, nalaman niyang nagccheat yung girlfriend niya sa kanya.


Jed: oh, eh di anong sabi mo?
F: eh ano pa bang sasabihin ko diba?
F: sasabihin ko ba na puta siya?
F: na skwating siya
F: na ginago niya ako?
F: ewan ko. wala akong nasabi sa kanya
Jed: hm
Jed: anong sabi niya?
F: ayon, nagsosorry
F: na hindi naman daw niya sinadyang mangyari yon
F: na nangyari lang daw talaga
F: haha tangina
F: nakakagago pag sinasabi ng mga tao yon, na nangyari lang, na hindi sinasadya
F: eh putcha, pag nandun ka na sa sitwasyon na yon, ikaw na yung magaact eh
F: sige, pwede siguro na yung unang beses nilang magkakilala, magusap at magtext, di sinasadya na nangyari na naging close sila
F: pero taena naman, habang sinasabihan niya ako na mahal niya ako, may nilalaplap o sinisibak siyang iba?
F: tangina diba, hindi ba sinasadya yon? kagaguhan
Jed: alam mo, wala ka nang magagawa don eh
Jed: kasi ang nangyayari pag ganyan yung ginagawa niya
Jed: iniisip niya na yan yung mas hindi nakakagago pakinggan
Jed: na yan yung mas soft yung dating
Jed: kasi naman, pag sinabi niya na “oo nga, talagang naghanap ako ng iba kasi hindi na ako masaya sa iyo at kelangan ko na talaga ng ibang tao” eh di parang mas nakakagago yon
F: mas gusto mo ba na isusugarcoat pa yung sitwasyon sa iyo
F: kasi medyo may right naman ako to hear the truth diba
F: hindi ba she owes me that much, at least?
Jed: oo nga, ako rin ayaw ko na ginagawa sa akin yan
Jed: pero shempre, snasabi mo yan ngayon, pero pag sinabi niya yung totoo sayo, yung talagang nararamdaman nya, sobrang mas masasaktan ka lang.
Jed: seryoso man, mas masakit yon. you deserve the right to know the truth, yeah sige
Jed: pero at the same time, you kinda don’t need to hear the brutal truth na
Jed: that’s just too much for you at this state
F: ewan na, taena
F: ang hindi ko magets
F: isa’t kalahating taon yon
F: hindi ba nakakagago na isa’t kalahating taon tapos nauwi kami sa parang gaguhan lang?
F: kasi kung titignan mo, it’s just a breakup
F: normal to, ive been through tons
F: pero habang tumatanda ka kasi at taena, 25 na ako
F: mas madali kasi dati to meet people, ang dali mag date date lang
F: pag may ayaw ka sa kanya, eh di tapusin na move on to the next, kasi ang dali eh
F: pero ngayon
F: pag mayroon akong kahit na maliit na connection lang with someone
F: I tend to hold on to that
F: kasi alam kong hindi yon kadali to come around these days
F: lalo na at this juncture in our lives
F: alam mo yon?
Jed: hahaha
Jed: yeah, alam ko EXACTLY kung anong sinasabi mo
Jed: hm
Jed: sobrang dami ko nang nakausap about this exact same thing
Jed: going through a breakup
Jed: questioning what was real
Jed: sobrang dami na and parepareho lang yung sinasabi ko sa kanila
F: chicks ba?
F: haha ano?
Jed: well oo kadalasan
Jed: hindi, pero
Jed: nangyari na kasi yon eh. at that moment, alam mong minemean niya yung sinasabi niya. at that moment, genuine yung buong thing. so sa moment na to, obviously, hindi na. hindi mo pwedeng kuhanin yung moment na iyon at tignan at icompare sa moment ngayon, kasi hindi na tama yon. iba na yung nararamdaman ngayon eh.
Jed: naramdaman mo yung nangyari dati diba? para sa iyo, totoo naman yon.
Jed: so naglokohan lang ba kayo dati nung sinabi niya na mahal ka niya at gagawin niya nag lahat para sa iyo at kahit kailan hindi ka niya iiwan kahit ano pang mangyari?
Jed: of course not.
Jed: so hindi naman siya conniving little bitch since day one. ganon lang talaga eh. nangyari yung mga nangyari. lumipas na yung mga lumipas. lahat ng tao nagbabago. gusto ka nila ngayon, and I guess they have every right para hindi ka na gustuhin after a while. minsan wala ka namang ginagawang mali, pero ganon lang talaga eh.
Jed: it happens.
Jed: and ang magagawa lang natin is well, to get over it.
F: alam ko naman lahat yan
F: pero ang sinasabi ko lang
F: ang hirap na talaga
F: parang magsesever nanaman ako ng tao na nagsayang ako ng 1 ½ years with
F: alam mo yon? nakakapagod na eh
F: and yun nga ang hirap na maghanap ng ganong klaseng chemistry with another person
Jed: haha yeah.
Jed: ewan, isa ako sa gustong maniwala na hindi tayo powerless when it comes to this stuff
Jed: but we so are.
F: napanood mo na ba yung before sunrise at before sunset?
Jed: di pa, pero alam ko yung premise.
Jed: dalawang taong naguusap diba?
F: haha
F: well yeah if you want to simplify it
F: pero it’s much more than that
Jed: ano ba yung storya non
F: okay lang ispoil ko? arte mo sa movies eh. haha
Jed: ayos lang, wala naman akong balak panoorin yon
F: okay fine
F: so may guy tapos may nameet siyang girl sa train sa europe. nagusap lang sila ng konti about some really mundane crap. tapos basta after a while, umabot na sila sa stop nung guy. but then he asked the girl muna to go with him for a day dun sa kung saan man yon.
Jed: so total strangers na nagdecide na magsama lang for a bit sa isang strange place?
F: yeah, ganon
F: tapos sa buong film, wala lang, nagusap lang sila ng nagusap about stuff. tapos shempre, mas naging touchy na sila, romantic romantic, etc.
Jed: obviously. yung moment palang na bumaba ng train yung babae tapos sumama sa isang stranger, medyo sealed na yung deal eh.
F: haha. oo nga, mamemention yan somewhere sa film.
F: oh basta yon, they connected in so many levels and ang genuine lang nung buong thing nila
F: they were there for nothing else but be together, to walk around, see the sights of that place and just be with each other.
Jed: hm
Jed: okay so let me guess
Jed: they end the thing
Jed: without telling each other details about themselves, like email, numbers, etc. to “preserve the purity of the moment”
Jed: parang they ended it right then and there, kasi pag inextend pa nila yon, masisira na yung perfect day nila together.
Jed: tama? tama? hahaha.
F: haha
F: taena ka talaga
F: well, parang ganon, but not quite.
F: at first, ganon yung balak nila, no numbers, no addys, no nothing
F: pero the moment na umabot sila sa train station while sharing their last kiss, naisip nila na that’s crazy, and they want to see each other again.
Jed: okay, so ano, facebook?
F: gago, di pa laganap internet all that much at the time
F: sabi nila, they’ll meet back there sa station in a year, sakto.
Jed: man, so di sila nagkita no? may nagflake?
F: well, the first movie ended there. dun sa pagplan
F: the second movie, parang 9 years later na
F: tapos yon, basta ang galing nung story
Jed: ugh, may relevance ba to sa breakup mo?
F: kind of, yeah
F: kasi
F: nung nagkita ulit sila, may kanya kanyang buhay na sila. yung guy may asawa na, yung babae may boyfriend. so alam mo yon, they moved on na. 9 years ba naman eh, I mean diba? you can only hold on to a memory for so much
F: pero when they met nga, sobrang parang sinasabi nila sa isa’t isa kung gano nila iniisip yung bawat isa constantly. tapos yun nga, the guy wrote a book about that day eh, tapos sumikat siya, kaya ganon, nahanap siya nung babae.
F: pero basta, unhappy yung guy sa marriage niya, kasi kahit nung wedding day niya, iniisip niya ng sobra yung stranger na nameet niya sa train.
Jed: eh ganon naman talaga diba?
Jed: lahat tayo may pinaghahawakan na ideal
Jed: tapos pag hindi nakakamit yung ideal na yon, hindi na tayo masaya.
Jed: so we keep on searching for the ideal. tapos dalawa lang naman yung pwedeng mangyari jan eh, either yung idea makamit mo, or masira yung buhay mo kakahanap sa isang concept, na kahit kailan hindi makakamit.
F: oo, so dito sa case nila, pano? sabihin na natin na yung ideal nila yung isat isa
Jed: alam mo
Jed: sobrang mali na agad eh
Jed: kasi isipin mo, hindi naman talaga sila magkakilala eh. kahit na they spent all that day, that’s still a day.
Jed: taena, kahit sino bigyan mo ng isa pang tao na may kahit na kaunting chemistry, tatagal sila ng isang buong araw talking about everything and nothing and end up having the best day of their lives. kasi yun nga, isang araw lang iyon. hindi naman nila makikilala yung isa’t isa eh, kaya nagwowork. best foot lang yung nakikita, kasi wala nang time to discover the bad side.
Jed: look at it this way
Jed: sabihin na natin na yung guy, talagang tumira kasama nung girl
Jed: sa tingin mo ba tatagal yon ng lagpas isang taon? hindi no!
Jed: pag nagkakilala na yung mga yon, yari na. unang sign ng problema, makikita nila na ang flawed nung ginawa nila, na nagsama na sila after one magical night.
Jed: oras na magisip sila sa kung anong nangyayari, masisira na yon
Jed: shempre shock and awe pa to sa start eh, no time to think about anything, lahat ng ginagawa nila, reactions lang sa mga pinapakita ng isa’t isa.
Jed: that shit won’t last otherwise. the ideal, is not really the ideal, kasi di man lang nila kilala yung isa’t isa. pano mo malalaman yung ideal just by the initial reaction?
F: wow, you just really fucked up the whole romantic vibe of the movie
F: destiny yon man, fate!
Jed: hahaha
Jed: pakinggan mo nga sarili mo
Jed: kung destiny, fate at kung ano man yung at work dito, eh di fate rin yung dapat mong sisihin sa pagbreak niyo ng chicks mo.
Jed: so ba’t ka pa nagagalit? ba’t ka pa nagmumukmok? wala ka naman palang magagawa diba? fate naman pala lahat to eh.
Jed: or selective ba yan?
Jed: pag maganda, it’s fate, pag panget, it’s just wrong.
Jed: parang, you thank god for the good things, but you curse the devil for the bad.
Jed: kawawa naman yung demonyo, puro negative feedback lang nakukuha
F: yeah, fine. kahit na it’s fate, tao parin ako eh, and kaya ko masaktan
Jed: haha, taena, don’t get me started with that shit


Hm, part lang to ng conversation namin. Napahaba, pero talagang pinili ko nalang yung part na pinaka-relevant.

Kakapanood ko lang kasi nung Before Sunrise and Before Sunset.

Okay naman, maganda naman yung movies. Pero I still don’t agree with the whole thing. Kasi, di naman magkakilala yung mga yon talaga eh. Naromanticize na nila yung isa’t isa dahil sa situation at dahil sa mga nangyayari sa kanila, pero really, there’s nothing there.

Take a guy, any guy na kayang magisip kahit kaunti lang. Tapos take a girl, any girl. Yung kayang sumakay sa kanya ng kahit konti lang.

Bigyan mo sila ng 20 hours together.

They can make magic happen as long as they’re both willing. Ganon naman yon eh. Simple lang.

If you give someone a chance, anyone, talagang makukuha mo rin yung ideal. Magbabago kasi yon as you go on with your life eh.

Kung tumira sa Paris yung lalake ng agad agad without going home to the US, seryoso, sira agad yung relasyon ng dalawang iyon. pag nagkakilala yon ng mas matino, wala na, I’m 95% sure na it’s going to be over real fast.

Happy New Year , eh?

And hopefully this time for good.

So wait, ano na kaya ang gagawin ko kay Delusions of Grandeur?

What do you guys think?

I met 6 members of the Pinoy Harvard Business School this evening. One of them helped me with my HBS application and, after learning I was offered admission, invited me to their small Christmas get-together.

I expected them to be either tight-assed geeks or ovearbearingly pretentious people. How delighting to learn that they were the contrary! I really saw that they were people who cared for and wanted to help one another. One of them was an especially warm and talkative person who talked to me in detail about her specific experiences in Boston. Pinay pa raw ang president ng LGBT community in HBS. O, 'diba. Who knows, maybe I can run as president in 2011!

I'm all the more excited to move to Boston! Of course the sad part is Karlo and I will be living away from each other. Pero sabi nga ni Ate fuzzy, if you wanna make it work, you can make it work! And so we shall make it work, work, work!

Happy Holidays, Everyone!

Familia Coruña

Circa 2009

Well, apparently, I really can’t talk about this with anybody I know. It’s a big load and I can’t do anything about it. Nobody else will understand.

So I’m just going to do what I do best.

I’m going to make a semi-vague entry about it. That’s how I usually do it when I can’t find anybody else.

There’s a time in everyone’s life when they learn the fact that they are powerless.

That thought came to me a lot of times before, because well, I’m powerless a lot. I learned to deal with that, to pick my battles. There are some things you can fight for; there are some things you just can’t win.

But here’s a problem with that realization: it comes after you’ve gone on and made the error.

That realization will only come once you are truly defeated. It’s like a defense mechanism that clicks on when you’re at your weakest, to help you get through a failure. That thought comes when you’ve fought on, said everything you had to say, did everything you had to do, thought of everything you had to think of.

It’s useless.

But here’s another problem with that, when another unwinnable fight comes along, you kind of forget about the things you’ve just learned. Unless of course you’re a defeatist, if that’s the case, then you have no idea what I’m talking about.

I just can’t give up what I care about.

I will fight if I have to fight.

There are some things in my life right now that I actually like.

I reached a fork.

For the first time, I can actually see that I’m on an unwinnable path.

These are three aspects of my life, and there’s just no winning in any of them.

No matter what I think
No matter what I do
No matter what I say

At the end of the day

I lose.

To the right, is the path out. I just need to accept that this fight is indeed unwinnable and that nothing will change anything. It’s beyond me and it’s beyond what I can do.

To the left, is that maze. That maze I usually go through where I use EVERYTHING in my power to get through it, to try to win somehow. Even if I manage to power my way out of that maze, there are traps just waiting for me to take that one wrong step. If by some miracle I get through the traps, there’s that one swift swing of the sword that can’t be blocked, dodged or parried. That’s the point where you just die. No explanations, no apologies, no reasons. You went through all that, just to die.

I’ve always been taking the path to the left.

I’ve never seen the end of course, the romantic in me just had to take that route because even though I am aware that some fights are unwinnable, I still want to believe that I can do things to change that somehow, even just a little.

Not this time.

Not anymore.

I’m going to save myself from my downfall. I’m going to avoid the crash.

I will no longer run through that maze. I will no longer try to disarm the traps. I will not subject myself to that one swift swing.

I’ll take the right path in all these three aspects.

I am seriously done trying.

I think I’ve tried hard enough.

I’m just not that strong. It’s not about what I think, say or do anymore; it’s just about how weak I am.

I am powerless.

I can feel it ending.

Can't say i'm surprised.

The youngest member in the household is six years old. I think she is at the age where all her wishes for Christmas come true, including a baby sister.

Christmas Wish List

The Only One On The Tree